Monday, December 10, 2012

Let me bum you out..

SO! How was your Thanksgiving? It's been a while, eh? I've been buuuuuusy. Work, trying not to let our house go to shit because we both are working a lot, that kind of thing. This is the busy season at Steve's work, so he's home late a lot too. Anyway, enough about that nonsense. I really wanted to talk about something I tweeted a couple of days ago (was it yesterday only? geez.)

Steve and I were on our way to his company Christmas party dinner and I asked him "if I died and you had to describe my body, what identifying marks would you say I had?" This is a risky game, y'all. We've been together 5 years, we are getting married in 6 months, and the man failed. He FAILED. Well, I'm sure he could have given them a good enough description. But no, nothing definitive where the investigators could say "oh man, yep, that's her, that is EXACTLY what we found!"

Let me give you a little tidbit of info you might not know. The medical examiner in the very large county I live in (I don't want it to be able to be searched for on the google, but yeah, you guys know what big city I live near) has a procedure to identify every single body that comes through. They take your fingerprints and send them electronically to the Department of Public Safety and compare them to your driver's license. You don't have a driver's license? Maybe you have an ID card. Not that? Maybe you have a license in another state? They will contact that state. Maybe you are from Canada and they will get with the horse riding Mounties up there. They will find a way. I could show up in their building with my name, social security number, date of birth, and mother's maiden name tattooed on my ass and they would still wait until they had confirmation of positive ID from the state agencies.

SO! The instance where Steve would have to identify my body would be SUCH a rare one, but c'mon, it's fun to think about, right? (I know!) Here's what I did. I started ticking off a list of things he could tell the cops should I become unidentifiable in other ways (what if my fingers get cut off? what if I am so badly decomposed only my frog tattoo on my foot is visible?) Oh, if that's the case, he would totally fail because he had to think way too long to GUESS which foot the tattoo was on (and he had a 50% chance of getting it right anyway! It's the left, if you were curious.)

So here is my list and I wanted to see what YOUR list looks like.  If something happens to me, just print this list off and send it to the local authorities. Don't rely on Steve. For real, I won't ever get identified.
  • small frog tattoo on the top of my left foot
  • very light birthmark on the left side of my mouth/cheek area (I asked Steve where my birthmark was and he said I didn't have one. I will let him have a pass on this because even my dad used to try to clean it off of my face thinking it was dirt. It's very light.)
  • scar across the top of my right hand (flew over the handlebars of my bike and skidded across sidewalk..continued to pick at it for a week straight. 
  • 4 scars on my belly from laparoscopic gastric bypass surgery (one is in the belly button, ew, and the others are just thrown about)
  • one scar in the middle of my back from a questionable mole, one scar on each upper arm from questionable moles (go get your moles checked!)
  • 2 piercing holes in each ear but only one that goes all the way through per ear
  • very small toenails on my pinky almost nonexistent
  • greenish blue eyes (though if my body were so badly decomposed they needed this list, my eyes would be LONG GONE)
So really, my list is pretty pitiful. Aside from the frog tattoo, I think I could be mistaken for a lot of tallish, average sized girls with brown hair. (Side note: do you know how hard it was for me to not put CHUBBY? My mind is not catching up to my body. I am AVERAGE, especially in this country.)

I am curious if you have ever played this morbid yet fun game with your partner? Could you identify them based on unique characteristics? I like to think this is all fun and games because NOBODY should have to do that. But, you know, horrible shit happens and people have to do this type of stuff everyday.


  1. I could easily identify my husband (he has two tattoos and I know where they are and what they are in detail, he also has a very distinctive check mark scar on his upper lip from getting whacked in the mouth with a ceiling fan as a kid, and a huge scar on the back of his left knee from a Chow trying to take off his leg as a child. Ohh and the cool V shaped scar on his right index finger where he tried to cut off his finger last year.)This is all a good thing because once a year he sheds his fingerprints and they change. Renewing his drivers license is a joy.

    I am not so easy to identify. I don't have any tattoos or piercings. I have a couple of distinctive freckles and moles, but not really that distinctive. My scars are also fairly common like my appendix scar, lots of people have those.

    Here is hoping no one needs to identify my body.

  2. This is the most hilariously awesome thing I've seen in a long time. I also love that you guys met in mortuary school and yet Steve failed. I will play this with Justin tonight and report back (possibly in a blog post - is that okay? I will link you, obvs).

  3. I love you and your hilarious brain. My identifiers are: a scar on my left foot from where my mom opened the door on me when I was 3 (still cries if I bring that up), scar on my lower back from shingles (it tramp stamped me!), four small scars on my right wrist from laproscopic surgery, and a bunch of other scars that are less amusing. I scar really easily. Kevin knows are least some of these for sure, but I'm pretty sure he'd identify me by the mole in my butt crack that he always makes fun of, ever since the doctor pointed it out and told him to keep an eye on it for me (I obviously died when that happened, making this entire discussion moot).

    Kevin has a distinctive mole on his thigh, a stab wound on his abdomen (just kidding, mole removal scar), and the nicest feet I've ever seen in my life. Also he has swirly crowns in his hair, on his head, beard, and chest. So, it'd be totally easy is what I'm saying.

    We win! I'll take my prize.

    1. Oh! J has those swirly crown things too!

  4. I wrote so much it was going to be the longest comment ever, so I just posted it over on my blog!

  5. I think I'd probably end up being "Unknown White Female with Sad Brown Cap of Hair."

  6. I have a couple of distinctive marks--a large-ish dark birthmark on the top of my right foot, 6 small scars on my right knee from knee surgery, a c-section scar, a quarter sized scar on the inside of my right elbow(man, my right side apparently takes a beating!), a cartilage piercing on my left ear, and 3 "regular" ear piercings. I know my husband could identify 3 of those...but beyond that, I dunno.

    My husband has a tattoo on his back, 2 piercings in both ears, and several large scars on his legs (if you can get past the hair that is), and a scar on his back from a mole removal he didn't take care of. He also has a ton of moles, but I'm not going to pretend I can map those suckers out.

  7. Two holes in each ear, closed-up navel piercing, C-section scar. Scar on my right knee from a fall as a kid. Missing the left part of my Cupid's bow on my mouth from a bike fall in first grade, but the scar itself has faded into nonexistence now. I've got a mole on the left side of my torso, under my bra band, and three evenly spaced freckles across the top of my right arm like Orion's belt.

    Kevin got none of these until I started listing some of the basics to give him an idea of what I was talking about.

    I got most of his moles and freckles, and the fact that he has freakishly beautiful hands for a) a guy and b) a guy who works with his hands and c) a guy who works with his hands but doesn't do anything in particular to care for them. He's got a bunch of small scars on his hands and wrists from set building accidents over his years doing theatre, and I missed all those, but I feel pretty confident I could identify his body based on moles and stuff. I feel equally confident that if my fingertips and teeth were missing, I'd be labelled Jane Doe for all time unless I get an identifiable tattoo before I die! He insists that my piercings and scars are too ordinary to count.

  8. Dude, I am SO late to this party, but I'm playing anyway!

    Small Libra tattoo on inner left ankle
    Large celtic Alpha/Omega & claddagh tattoo on lower back
    c-section scar (that's new)
    triangle shaped scar on right knee (fell on glass, age 6--fun fact, the scar started out on my shin)
    large raised mole on left hip
    scar below lower lip, center (had it pierced when I was 22)
    I also have the tiny/non-existent pinky toe nails (so does Eleanor)

    J has almost no identifying features or scars. One pale birthmark. He needs a tattoo now.